Reflections on 33

by Josh Belville

Intro 01:34
now that i am getting older i keep looking back to make sense of 30 years of story and my takeaway from all this is what i lack what i'm missing from this jumbled allegory don't you hate me? don't you wish i had some motivation my ambition and my confidence withdrawn how this decade seems to wring from me all dedication how my discipline and love for you has gone
i'm restless again come to my own senses all day and all night i'm giving myself away nobody seems to care projecting as i'm wont to you know that i want to but i won't do it now everything's picking up speed my beard is growing somebody's smoking weed inside this train station thinking of you has left me bereft me of breath i'm trying again tying off loose ends tithing out my heart and my soul to anyone who can pay if dying's a sin then perpetrator i'll be if i can't find the endpiece to this, my living hell everything's picking up speed my age is showing lying alone in bed another staycation thinking of you has left me bereft me.. will i wander through my ancient years set to ponder why i cry these tears i'm not the only one but i'm the lonely one secrets kept against wrong ones i'm trying, i'm climbing i'm anchored down the movement, the poise of this gray-skied town my friends and my family are the only things keeping me here
i'm getting fat again let's not try to pretend i'm not getting any younger only wider i'm getting fat again gotta eat all these feelings i'm holding it together with hunger but what am i so hungry for? is it only pizza or is it more? is it something i can't taste? i'm getting fat again let's not try to pretend i'm not getting any younger only wider i'm getting fat again gotta eat all these feelings i'm holding it together with hunger but what is life but eating food? without it i'd be wasting into nothinghood so in a way i'm doing great! i keep myself alive with oreos and ice cream i'm living a dream i had when i was only five but now i'm 33 my metabolism's in free fall and i can't recall a night where i ingested something green i'm getting fat again let's not try to pretend i'm not getting any younger only wider i'm getting fat again gotta eat all these feelings i'm holding it together with hunger if only i could face the day without a need for seconds at the lunch buffet please god, give me the strength to lose inches off of my waistband before i turn this denny's into a barren wasteland
i'm disappointed in the way things went when we elected our president known for his pussy grabbing rhetoric he'd stiff the worker and deport the spic he rides an elevator made of gold into a three story penthouse home he's watching you from his cloud on high and couldn't care less if you lived or died bad president (bad precedent) couldn't fool us with your lies bad president (bad precedent) time to fashion your goodbyes he hired racists for his white house team a nazi sympathizer's white house dream he contradicts himself in all these ways and hopes the people will forget someday he can't commit to living in d.c. taxpayer's money goes to guarantee his every need is taken care of but all of us working class are scared of chorus short inst he sits alone in his golden room quietly crying to suppress the gloom his heart's surrounded by an iron fence but he'll never be as cold as mike pence chorus
in the morning i remember a reason to be affected by the season and shattering scene wrote a thousand things kept them hidden behind a password key i'm always on oh, i'm always on twirled around sometimes your delicate hand on my waist couldn't shake the thought that together we'd just be a waste made my drink to taste and drank it till i couldn't taste no more i'm always on oh i'm always on told your family i'd sing them a song well shit i write em all day long want the one where i hate myself or the one where i hate you? everybody stop, cause i need this distillery's number gotta take a shot, as a supplement to aid my slumber heard you grumbling last night as i sawed those lonesome logs i've never understood what you see in me my dear i'm rainy like a thundercloud and it couldn't be more clear i'm always on oh i'm always on
all the days are bleeding into the bad days they're one the same i blame my brain for misfiring bought 2 for 1 vitamin d in gummy drops cause i'm a child who's scared of loneliness conspiring to draw me out into the fresh air and my slicked back hair i am an actor there i am an actor everywhere there's a furball nestled into the bedsheets she wakes with a purr compelling life within me only anchor into the mundane it's all the same repeat until dead i wake i sleep i'm carefree yeah i don't care about anything not even what i'm singing rough draft is what i bring rough drafting everything take your statistics show me where i fit in how do i stop this feeling? show me where to begin and i'm being facetious and i'm being mundane and i'm keeping a secret and i'm sarcasm unchained and this day is a nightmare and this night is wasted
sorry for replacing things with overpriced kitschy things this kitchen crossed my mind at times remembered that we needed limes for drinks to keep us calm at night no more wanton bedroom fights put the china in the drawer guaranteed you'll throw no more songs wrote in diminished chords not this one but others swore that we'd find our level ground nestled in the sound you in dreams were kettle corn sweet but broke my teeth in scorn scoured streets to see if there was anybody else who cared diamond rings and emerald eyes lengthy and obtuse goodbyes found you fetal in distress and the bathroom all a mess chorus our arboretum trips tripping through the mind i skipped train rides home from concerts concerning letters, malcontent go-getter grasping at the straws tight lipped and fettered sorry for replacing things like underwear and wedding rings sorry we were unaligned in spirit and in mind chorus
if i told you what's going on inside of my head all these siphoned pockets where happiness dwelt you'd probly wander on to another man's bed someone who's skin is stronger than felt desperately tying down the horror under this hood i'm damaged goods i'm damaged goods this isn't a call to arms to defend my esteem that castle's been sieged long long ago this isn't a false alarm some fucked up dream this is just somebody who's feeling low i won't apologize cause i don't think i should i'm damaged goods i'm damaged goods but i'll be walking watching everyone seem sane can't find the words to say what's going on in my brain i hope forgiveness lives deep down in your heart i hope you'll stand your ground when i eventually come apart i'm just a man a mortal with a grinding need for love don't you worry if i don't call in an age i'm just a sloth when it comes to ambition by day a working stiff by night i assuage this lonely soul like a chronic condition this song is almost done so i hope it's understood i'm damaged goods i'm damaged goods
nobody told me when i was a kid that i had to cultivate passion so i did what i did played video games in the basement nights spent alone in the room where i hid squirreled away from popular fashion never concluded that this life could be a detriment now that i'm older life's largely the same and i've got no one but me to blame lithely and listlessly lolling about no sense of purpose, no twist to my shout there's no right way to live there's never a way to go backwards or even stand still but i am trying my damnedest these days to keep myself free from the harm of a life unfulfilled she was a pipe dream and me just a plumber whose nightmares kept clogging the toilet how i tried to snake out the shit overflowing in my mind i called her sweetheart and she held on tight while my attitude turned into poison the slow acting kind you don't know you're dead til you're dying she's not the only disaster i've made when life gives me lemons i craft a grenade blow up relationships, get flack for flak even then my loves chide me for lack of attack chorus oh lord i fight every night for control conflating the patterns weaving roots in my soul these doldrums catch like netting tearing all that i love left me broken and battered hoping that when push comes to shove
Lady Love 01:51
i was restless when i saw you in the parlor when you found my wretched spirit laying low how you held my hand and used your tears to quell my turgid storm lady love i leave my marrow in your arms from your skin i felt the warmth that raised an army from your smile i met a perfect set of teeth in your bed i tossed and turned until your palm laid on my chest lady love i leave my marrow in your arms lady love i'm but a pauper to your richness to the soft and supple bosom of your grace in the morning when the sun hits home my eyes are stained with memories lady love i leave my marrow in your arms to this earth i leave a unpreserved body to the stars i leave my energy dispersed how i hope you live until you die from nothing more than age lady love i leave my marrow in your arms


these are 10 tracks i wrote and recorded in late 2016 as i was kind of in the bottom of a funk, a depression, a "what's the point" kind of mood.

if you buy the album you get two bonus tracks: "melanoma," a eulogy for paul "hoopshank" turrell, a FAWMer who passed away from skin cancer in 2016, as well as a silly song called "i eat cereal (every day)" which is heavily auto-biographical.


released July 27, 2020

josh belville - vox, guitar

hydrogen - drum beats


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Josh Belville Portland

Actor/musician living in Portland, OR.

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