Get all 22 Josh Belville releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of The History of a Nervous Path, progress in the inch of salvation, spare, Reflections on 33, put me on your do not call list, rinse repeat next summer, Here Lies Laika, The End, and 14 more.
1. |
Intro
01:34
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now that i am getting older
i keep looking back
to make sense of 30 years of story
and my takeaway from all this
is what i lack
what i'm missing from this jumbled allegory
don't you hate me?
don't you wish i had some motivation
my ambition and my confidence withdrawn
how this decade seems to wring from me
all dedication
how my discipline and love for you has gone
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2. |
Reflection 1 (Restless)
04:41
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i'm restless again
come to my own senses
all day and all night
i'm giving myself away
nobody seems to care
projecting as i'm wont to
you know that i want to
but i won't do it now
everything's picking up speed
my beard is growing
somebody's smoking weed
inside this train station
thinking of you has left me
bereft me of breath
i'm trying again
tying off loose ends
tithing out my heart and my soul
to anyone who can pay
if dying's a sin
then perpetrator i'll be
if i can't find the endpiece
to this, my living hell
everything's picking up speed
my age is showing
lying alone in bed
another staycation
thinking of you has left me
bereft me..
will i wander
through my ancient years
set to ponder
why i cry these tears
i'm
not the only one
but i'm the lonely one
secrets kept against wrong ones
i'm trying, i'm climbing
i'm anchored down
the movement, the poise of
this gray-skied town
my friends and
my family
are the only things
keeping me
here
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3. |
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i'm getting fat again
let's not try to pretend
i'm not getting any younger
only wider
i'm getting fat again
gotta eat all these feelings
i'm holding it together
with hunger
but what am i so hungry for?
is it only pizza
or is it more?
is it something i can't taste?
i'm getting fat again
let's not try to pretend
i'm not getting any younger
only wider
i'm getting fat again
gotta eat all these feelings
i'm holding it together
with hunger
but what is life but eating food?
without it i'd be wasting
into nothinghood
so in a way i'm doing great!
i keep myself alive
with oreos and ice cream
i'm living a dream
i had when i was only five
but now i'm 33
my metabolism's in free fall
and i can't recall a night
where i ingested
something green
i'm getting fat again
let's not try to pretend
i'm not getting any younger
only wider
i'm getting fat again
gotta eat all these feelings
i'm holding it together
with hunger
if only i could face the day
without a need for seconds
at the lunch buffet
please god, give me the strength
to lose inches off of my waistband
before i turn this denny's
into a barren wasteland
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4. |
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i'm disappointed in the way things went
when we elected our president
known for his pussy grabbing rhetoric
he'd stiff the worker and deport the spic
he rides an elevator made of gold
into a three story penthouse home
he's watching you from his cloud on high
and couldn't care less if you lived or died
bad president (bad precedent)
couldn't fool us with your lies
bad president (bad precedent)
time to fashion your goodbyes
he hired racists for his white house team
a nazi sympathizer's white house dream
he contradicts himself in all these ways
and hopes the people will forget someday
he can't commit to living in d.c.
taxpayer's money goes to guarantee
his every need is taken care of
but all of us working class are scared of
chorus
short inst
he sits alone in his golden room
quietly crying to suppress the gloom
his heart's surrounded by an iron fence
but he'll never be as cold as mike pence
chorus
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5. |
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in the morning i remember a reason to be
affected by the season and shattering scene
wrote a thousand things
kept them hidden behind a password key
i'm always on
oh, i'm always on
twirled around sometimes
your delicate hand on my waist
couldn't shake the thought
that together we'd just be a waste
made my drink to taste
and drank it till i couldn't taste no more
i'm always on
oh i'm always on
told your family i'd sing them a song
well shit i write em all day long
want the one where i hate myself
or the one where i hate you?
everybody stop, cause i need this distillery's number
gotta take a shot, as a supplement to aid my slumber
heard you grumbling
last night
as i sawed those lonesome logs
i've never understood
what you see in me my dear
i'm rainy like a thundercloud
and it couldn't be more clear
i'm always on
oh i'm always on
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6. |
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all the days are bleeding
into the bad days
they're one the same
i blame my brain
for misfiring
bought 2 for 1
vitamin d
in gummy drops
cause i'm a child
who's scared of
loneliness conspiring
to draw me out
into the fresh air
and my slicked back hair
i am an actor there
i am an actor everywhere
there's a furball nestled
into the bedsheets
she wakes with a purr
compelling life within me
only anchor into the mundane
it's all the same
repeat until dead
i wake i sleep i'm carefree
yeah i don't care
about anything
not even what i'm singing
rough draft is what i bring
rough drafting everything
take your statistics
show me where i fit in
how do i stop this feeling?
show me where to begin
and i'm being facetious
and i'm being mundane
and i'm keeping a secret
and i'm sarcasm unchained
and this day is a nightmare
and this night is wasted
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7. |
Nestled in the Sound
03:26
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sorry for replacing things
with overpriced kitschy things
this kitchen crossed my mind at times
remembered that we needed limes
for drinks to keep us calm at night
no more wanton bedroom fights
put the china in the drawer
guaranteed you'll throw no more
songs wrote in diminished chords
not this one but others swore
that we'd find our level ground
nestled in the sound
you in dreams were kettle corn
sweet but broke my teeth in scorn
scoured streets to see if there
was anybody else who cared
diamond rings and emerald eyes
lengthy and obtuse goodbyes
found you fetal in distress
and the bathroom all a mess
chorus
our arboretum trips
tripping through the mind i skipped
train rides home from concerts
concerning letters, malcontent go-getter
grasping at the straws
tight lipped and fettered
sorry for replacing things
like underwear and wedding rings
sorry we were unaligned
in spirit and in mind
chorus
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8. |
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if i told you what's going on
inside of my head
all these siphoned pockets
where happiness dwelt
you'd probly wander on
to another man's bed
someone who's skin is
stronger than felt
desperately tying down
the horror under this hood
i'm damaged goods
i'm damaged goods
this isn't a call to arms
to defend my esteem
that castle's been sieged
long long ago
this isn't a false alarm
some fucked up dream
this is just somebody
who's feeling low
i won't apologize
cause i don't think i should
i'm damaged goods
i'm damaged goods
but i'll be walking
watching everyone seem sane
can't find the words to say
what's going on in my brain
i hope forgiveness lives
deep down in your heart
i hope you'll stand your ground
when i eventually come apart
i'm just a man
a mortal with a grinding need for love
don't you worry if
i don't call in an age
i'm just a sloth
when it comes to ambition
by day a working stiff
by night i assuage
this lonely soul
like a chronic condition
this song is almost done
so i hope it's understood
i'm damaged goods
i'm damaged goods
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9. |
Reflection 6 (Passion)
06:29
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nobody told me
when i was a kid
that i had to cultivate passion
so i did what i did
played video games in the basement
nights spent alone
in the room where i hid
squirreled away from popular fashion
never concluded
that this life could be a detriment
now that i'm older
life's largely the same
and i've got no one but me to blame
lithely and listlessly lolling about
no sense of purpose, no twist to my shout
there's no right way to live
there's never a way to go backwards
or even stand still
but i am trying my damnedest these days
to keep myself free from the harm
of a life unfulfilled
she was a pipe dream
and me just a plumber
whose nightmares kept clogging the toilet
how i tried to snake out
the shit overflowing in my mind
i called her sweetheart
and she held on tight
while my attitude turned into poison
the slow acting kind
you don't know you're dead til you're dying
she's not the only
disaster i've made
when life gives me lemons i craft a grenade
blow up relationships, get flack for flak
even then my loves chide me for lack of attack
chorus
oh lord i fight
every night for control
conflating the patterns
weaving roots in my soul
these doldrums catch like netting
tearing all that i love
left me broken and battered
hoping that when push comes to shove
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10. |
Lady Love
01:51
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i was restless when i saw you in the parlor
when you found my wretched spirit laying low
how you held my hand and used your tears
to quell my turgid storm
lady love i leave my marrow in your arms
from your skin i felt the warmth that raised an army
from your smile i met a perfect set of teeth
in your bed i tossed and turned
until your palm laid on my chest
lady love i leave my marrow in your arms
lady love i'm but a pauper to your richness
to the soft and supple bosom of your grace
in the morning when the sun hits home
my eyes are stained with memories
lady love i leave my marrow in your arms
to this earth i leave a unpreserved body
to the stars i leave my energy dispersed
how i hope you live until you die
from nothing more than age
lady love i leave my marrow in your arms
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Josh Belville Portland
Actor/musician living in Portland, OR.
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